Industry insider Vicoria Wyatt takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the fashion brigade 

Day Three of AltaRoma AltaModa was a slow day for fashion at the MAXXI shows. The collections were pleasant but forgettable, and neither of those words should be associated with a catwalk presentation. Therefore, after two days of scrutinising outfits both on and around the catwalks, instead of reviewing yesterday's presentations I have compiled two lists which will hopefully prove helpful to those who love fashion, and serve as suitable fodder for future complaining for those who think "fashion" is merely trivial and trite!

I paid specific attention to the ensembles and paraphernalia adorning the members of the fashion brigade who held the coveted first row seats.

Things to wear and how to wear them right now:

Men

You should be wearing cloaks, or if you do not have a cloak, a normal coat will suffice, just make sure you don't make use of the armholes.

Delicately draping the coat over your shoulders is all the rage.

Shoes should be in the form of brogues. The shinier the brogues the better. Brogues should be coupled with short, white socks. (Yes you read that correctly - white socks.)

Trousers should be rolled up to show off said socks and shiny brogues to full advantage.

Ladies

Hats placed ever so nonchalantly at a very specific jaunty angle. The rule here is the bigger the hat the better the hat. Hats can be slouchy and soft or super firm, as long as they are slightly askew and as large as possible.

Lips should be red. Bright red.

Handbags need to be large. Preferably large enough to carry a small dog/or three year old child. Think hand luggage, but in beautifully coloured leather.

Men and Ladies

Fur. As much as possible. Anywhere.

Ipads are still the must have accessory to take to every fashion/life event. They must apparently be used only for photography and Facebook.

The wearing of anything BURBERRY is an enormous faux pas. No coats, no scarves, no BURBERRY. This is the first year there has been a distinct lack of Burberry raincoats, scarves and jauntily angled hats.

One-colour hair is GONE. Both men and women's hair should be two toned/ombre, the more noticeable the difference the better.

Things it seems we will be wearing next winter:

Men: Oversize jumpers.

Ladies

Big baggy Lady jumpers. "Lady" because they are still in beautiful fabrics with delicate embroidery and detail, just distinctly oversize.

Sporty chic. Almost every collection has shown pieces from daywear to evening wear being cut in very simple and loose styles, but soft fabric which still allows the female form to be shown underneath.

Trousers in winter wool and thick crepes cut at summer/capri length.

Brogues. Shiny ones. With colourful socks and the aforementioned thick fabriced short cut trousers.

Men

Expect an increase of hooded jumpers. Embellishments. Finally men are getting a taste of what us women have always known.... a little sparkle goes a long way! Many pieces shown have been embellished in dramatic ways, and although pumped up for the catwalk the details will remain in simpler form for the simpler men. Uncomplicated tailoring in more delicate fabrics. Blazers and jackets will hang looser on the body, but still enhance the form due to a diversity of fabrics.

Bring on the next shows!

Victoria Wyatt